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MYTH:
Gay relationships don't last as long as straight relationships.
They just don't work.
Gay relationships don't last as long as straight relationships.
They just don't work.
TRUTH:
Statistically, it CAN be said, on average, that gay relationships don't last as long; especially between two men.
Although it is easy to conclude that this is a direct result of their sexual orientation, we require a deeper insight in order to reveal the truth.
Can we conclude, in a similar manner, that couples between different cultures won't work? Or that partners where parents don't approve of the relationship might just as well not happen? Can we then blindly say that inter-race coupling or ones that aren't supported by parent figures aren't as valid? Or do we need to look at the way society marginalises and what effect that has on these couples?
Gay people struggle to nurture their relationships in a society that still offers none of the same support heterosexual couples value. There are internal and external problems faced by two men or two women as they create a life together, that heterosexual couples might just never experience. Some of these may even be subconscious.
A few examples:
Although it is easy to conclude that this is a direct result of their sexual orientation, we require a deeper insight in order to reveal the truth.
Can we conclude, in a similar manner, that couples between different cultures won't work? Or that partners where parents don't approve of the relationship might just as well not happen? Can we then blindly say that inter-race coupling or ones that aren't supported by parent figures aren't as valid? Or do we need to look at the way society marginalises and what effect that has on these couples?
Gay people struggle to nurture their relationships in a society that still offers none of the same support heterosexual couples value. There are internal and external problems faced by two men or two women as they create a life together, that heterosexual couples might just never experience. Some of these may even be subconscious.
A few examples:
- inability to marry under the law
- issues preventing couples from adopting
- conflicting feelings based on religious beliefs
- parents unacceptability of child's homosexuality
- society's views/beliefs of homosexual relationships
- lack of visible examples of long lasting gay relationships
- subconscious self-sabotaging of relationships based on years of negative internalising
The truth is, committed relationships are more dependent on society approval than we think. The little "pats on the back" that help re-enforce its validity. The "congratulations" from strangers, the imagery we see everyday on TV, the grandparents celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, Ken and Barbie dolls...
The truth is, there are many, many gay relationships out there that have survived longer than most heterosexual marriages. These are sadly hidden from both the homosexual and gay community. After just a little digging, our promo video shows just a fraction of the hundreds of gay couples and families who "work". Wonderfully.
There is a lot to cover on this topic. Thankfully it has been addressed in detail by Betty Berzon, in her book "Permanent Partners : Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships That Last". With this, comes our first reading recommendation.
There is a lot to cover on this topic. Thankfully it has been addressed in detail by Betty Berzon, in her book "Permanent Partners : Building Gay and Lesbian Relationships That Last". With this, comes our first reading recommendation.
Further reading recommendations:
that probably explains why i can't keep a boyfriend hahaha
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this. I have been with my partner for almost 15 years and through all the instances of insisting upon ONE Queen bed in hotel rooms while we were travelling, we survived.
ReplyDelete:)
I've read that book and I think it saved my relationship with my girlfrend. we didn't realise how many of our problems came from our own in built homophobia
ReplyDeletethanks
We (two men, now in our 60's) have been together for 26 years. It has lasted by our own efforts, but it has also lasted because our parents had demonstrated in their lives what it takes to keep a relationship together. Also, we started our relationship when we were in our 30's. A good deal of the drama of figuring out who we were and what we wanted out of life was settled.
ReplyDeleteFailure to succeed in a relationship isn't unique to gay men. Inexperienced straight couples are as unlikely as inexperienced gay couples to have the skills to keep a relationship in business. My first relationships crashed pretty quickly.
Besides, relationships don't all have to be long-lasting. I am very, very glad that I didn't settle down sooner than I did.
Our society pushes straight people together and gay people apart.
ReplyDeleteDespite that my partner and I have been together 27 years and never a fight. Disagreements, yes; fights, no.
Like the couple above, we are two men in our 60s.
Would love to hear your stories and possibly feature them on this site. Please contact us (link below).
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this blog!
ReplyDeleteThe fun of gay life (as heavily advertised everywhere in gay areas and media) is the promiscuity. Gays are currently in denial that exists but it's so easy to see. Sure some want the domestic life but in the end the promiscuity will win out. Just check in with these married couples in a few years, see how monogamous they are if they're even still married. I'm not against gay marriage but it's common knowledge in the gay world that gay marriage is for the fat, dumpy, over 55 and fear of dying alone crowd. The ones who make the gay world go around have no interest in it. It gets in the way of going out and having a life.
ReplyDeleteRick, doesn't your logic apply to heterosexuals also? Think about it.
ReplyDeleteFor the record, we're not fat. Definitely not dumpy. We're in our 20s and 30s. Yes, we're gay. Some of us are married. This particular writer has been in a monogamous relationship for 5 years.
Ironically, in the time we've been together, we've seen countless heterosexual relationships and marriages begin and end.
Comparing gay and straight relationships is really like comparing apples and oranges: countless straights in relationships stay together "because of the children." They are forced into loveless, stressful marriages. Gay men, for the most part, are not in this boat: our relationships stay together out of shared feelings, values, desires. I have been with a partner for almost 30 years; it seems like no time at all, because we have both changed so much during those 30 years, as most partners do; it's hard to look back and see the same person there from 30 years back, that has kept this wonderful thing very fresh. I'm afraid I can't see gay marriage as for the "fat, dumpy, over 55 and fear of dying alone crowd." Most of the fat, dumpy men I know are alone. Gay marriage is an intensely personal and romantic arrangement, and it has little to do with age, physical shape, or even economics. It's what you want out of life. The real truth though, which I revealed in my book "How to Survive Your Own Gay Life," is that gay relationships are easier than straight ones: we don't have the endless wars of the sexes going on. What we do have is a problem with boredom. When you both play with the same equipment, you need to change balls more often. Some men get over that by organizing a lot of creative play—something many straights would give their right arms to do.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that insight Perry.
ReplyDeleteA couple of notes/questions though!
Are childless married couples (either by choice or through an inability to have children) more similar to gay relationships?
Are gay couples with children involved more similar to straight relationships?
What is interesting is, we have a story lined up of an example of a long term gay coupling where one side has revealed that its "too late to find someone else and I'm used to the company". Is that more akin to a "straight" reason to stay together?
We disagree that gay relationships are easier to be in than straight ones (Betty Berzon's "Permanent Partners" argues this point well). As you've said, it involves shared feelings, values and desires. They are more often than not more difficult to express and gain acceptance through most social structures (GayTruth has a couple of articles touching on this too).
The "boredom" factor isn't any more unique or common in gay relationships than straight ones (again, you'll find an article on our site that provides you with some examples). It is merely a part of human nature, whether people decide to act on it or not - openly or otherwise.
The line between straight and gay couples is very, very blurred. Without the invisibility, you'd find there are more similarities between them than not. The differences are mostly wedged by social constructs. The comparison is therefore more akin to an orange in a refrigerator, and one outside. They're the same thing, experiencing different forms nurture.
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ReplyDeleteI am a single gay man. 43 years old. I have not been able to make a gay relationship go the distance for longer than 9 months at a time. Im not sure if its lack of suport form parents, being able to talk openly at work, pressure of working shift work or what..!! I think my last r-ship went wrong because I needed to work a lot of extra hours, and my partner wanted to be out all the time drinking with his mates..and still wanted his freedom..!!! In most gay relationships that have lasted over a year, one or both partners WILL have cheated anyway..!!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely agree with this article.
ReplyDeleteI'm a 27 year old gay man and I've been in an amazingly happy and supportive relationship for 3 years. We've had our ups and downs, but I feel like they're similar to any heterosexual couple; especially when I compare them to my heterosexual friends. While each group has varying experiences, we're actually not that different.
I feel like I bought into the "relationships don't last, people cheat, etc." theories in the past. But I've come to realize it's just a myth. It's propagated by heterosexuals, by the media, and even within the gay community. Sure, examples of that are out there; however it exists just as much in the heterosexual community. It's also exaggerated how often it happens because of social norms.
If you want to have a great, long-lasting relationship as a gay man, you most certainly can. You have to put work into it and into yourself - just like any other model relationship.
I beleive if you need approval from others on who to love then you are not even in control of youre own life, who the fuck gives a fuck what others think of youre relationship. do you love who your with, or do you just need approval from others. I am gay, came out when I was 15, met mike when I was 19, 10 years later still going strong, reason being mike is more important to me than the opinions of a bunch of stupid fucking cult headed religous cunt wads with no logical ambition in life but to ignore the logical and beleive in shit that just aint real and then expect us all to be as fucking stupid as thay are. If the opinion of others is more important than your partner than you do not truley love that person, so do this, fuck god, fuck homofobes, fuck your family your freinds, fuck them all, because in the end none of those mother fuckers would choose your opinion over their lovers.
ReplyDelete